I agree with this, but: I'm in a situation where I give and give to family and friends, helping them physically, financially and emotionally. I genuinely try to help them. I try to always stay kind even when I am pretty much at the end of my own tether and am always mindful that my actions and words do not hurt, even unintentionally. All the while trying to keep the best outcome for all of us in my mind. So on the surface I am doing what you described, but the only thing I have manifested until now is more problems. One is solved, another pops up. This has been going in since I was a young child, and is exactly the reason I turned to non-duality and manifesting in the first place. It has helped me a lot to stay upright, but the rest stays the same.
Believe me I know this sounds like I am a martyr who does not know how to set boundaries and I am very aware that I create this somehow myself.
The only thing I want to manifest right now is happy independent people around me and some nice me-time. But I keep releasing and releasing, trying to find this underlying belief that creates this, but there is an absolute blind spot there.
Any suggestions are welcome.
P.s. I love your posts, they're insightful and brilliantly written. But this one really got to me, as it is exactly what I am almost tearing my hair out about.
This is a super interesting question, and I think something a ton of people deal with without even realizing it.
I knew an incredibly sweet woman when I was young -- she was a mutual friend of my parents so I’d see her at events once every couple years. One thing I always noticed about her was that she was constantly concerned with how everyone else was doing, even when she wasn’t the host of the event. I vividly remember the clocking ticking down to new years and while everyone else was celebrating, she was cleaning up the party.
Many years later when I was already well into my spiritual journey, I thought back on her and something occurred to me -- her kindness had been a kind of coping mechanism. Her cleaning up on new years was almost performative. It was a subtle way of saying “look how kind I am; look what a wonderful friend I’m being.”
I’m not saying you’re performative, by the way -- I’m sure you aren’t. Lol. But I bring this woman up because she’s the best example I can think of someone who learned to be kind of supportive as a sort defense mechanism or way to win approval.
Note that of all the problems you could have, this is probably the best one. To be kind is one of the highest forms of love, so the fact that you’re able to remain so kind all the time points to your being quite spiritually evolved.
But make sure you aren’t leaning on your kindness. Meaning, try and make sure you’re not trying to gain any approval or control by being kind to everyone around you. That’s often what leads to feeling exasperated when people don’t reward your kindness in a way that feels fulfilling.
I actually did a little work in this same general area at one point. I wanted to test the purity of my kindness, so to speak. So I started going out and doing nice things that nobody would ever know about. I’d put a ten dollar bill inside of a single and drop it in a tip jar somewhere; if I saw garbage on someone’s lawn I’d pick it up and throw it out. I’d leave a nice comment on a YouTube video from an anonymous account. Just little things that I felt might make someone’s day, but that I wouldn’t ever be rewarded for.
What I found was that this sort of retrained by niceness. After I got in the habit of it, I started being nice all the time just for the sake of how good it felt, and never in an attempt to get anything in return. And from there, the problems I was encountering in life started to slow down.
First of all thank you for your kind and very thoughtful answer!
I took a couple of days to reflect on it and it really helped to narrow down my 'problem'.
You were right that I do not act kindly out of a need for acknowledgement or appreciation. I once did though! But I learned the Sedona release method by Lester Levenson quite some time ago and the first thing they teach you is to release the need for approval. I still value it, but do not need it anymore.
And yes, I also totally agree with the random acts of kindness. Whenever I am inspired to donate something, pay it forward, compliment or give a little gift that I know someone will love, I will. And always anonymous if I can get away with it. It's as much for me as for the recipient, because it just feels good to do that.
So your comment inspired me to investigate further. I realised the kind of problems I am asked or even expected to help with feel very different. I am more or less 'their last straw', because they and everyone else claims they cannot handle it.
It feels like I invested a lot of time and effort in 'maturing', just so they can stay as they are.
And as I'm writing this I realise there is a lot of resentment there, so finally something to investigate further.
Thank you again for helping me reach this insight.
May I request you to share your views on revision as propagated by Neville. I may be wrong, but I find many parallels between your teachings and the revision 'technique'. It would be amazing to know what you think about it, and how you'd incorporate revision to 'erase' the past, so to speak. :)
Thank you so much once again, my friend. Love to you.
This may seem like a very odd answer, but I don’t think they’re all that different -- actually, I think they’re the exact same thing.
Whether love is directed inward or outward, you just experience it as love. We imagine inward and outward love to be two different things, but when you investigate it becomes hard to actually justify that as being true.
Because of this, though, I think progress on one front leads to progress on the other. The more self love you cultivate, the easier it’ll be to love others. The more you love others, the easier it’ll be to love yourself
Thank you this helps me a lot! Actually I don't think it's odd. I imagined what it feels like if I loved myself and if I loved other things like relationships etc. And this feeling of love was not different for me. I just realized that when I love something I don't have negative thoughts about myself coming up and I guess that is self love then? So one does not need to practice self love specifically but just love (for anything) in general.
Yes, it totally is. It's for each individual to figure out is their goals are of a giving or taking quality. With SPs, a good way to think about it is to wish for the other complete happiness -- whether that be with their current partner, with me, with someone else, etc. People get freaked out by this way of thinking, but if you really love someone, you'd want them to be happy -- and if you love and want someone to be happy, and feel like a relationship with yourself is a part of that happiness unfolding for you and for them, then it's probably meant to be.
It is basically "what you appreciate, appreciates" right? If everything was perfect, the SP, the health, the money, then we would just LOVE IT. So when we create the feeling of loving something we are on the right track?
I agree with this, but: I'm in a situation where I give and give to family and friends, helping them physically, financially and emotionally. I genuinely try to help them. I try to always stay kind even when I am pretty much at the end of my own tether and am always mindful that my actions and words do not hurt, even unintentionally. All the while trying to keep the best outcome for all of us in my mind. So on the surface I am doing what you described, but the only thing I have manifested until now is more problems. One is solved, another pops up. This has been going in since I was a young child, and is exactly the reason I turned to non-duality and manifesting in the first place. It has helped me a lot to stay upright, but the rest stays the same.
Believe me I know this sounds like I am a martyr who does not know how to set boundaries and I am very aware that I create this somehow myself.
The only thing I want to manifest right now is happy independent people around me and some nice me-time. But I keep releasing and releasing, trying to find this underlying belief that creates this, but there is an absolute blind spot there.
Any suggestions are welcome.
P.s. I love your posts, they're insightful and brilliantly written. But this one really got to me, as it is exactly what I am almost tearing my hair out about.
This is a super interesting question, and I think something a ton of people deal with without even realizing it.
I knew an incredibly sweet woman when I was young -- she was a mutual friend of my parents so I’d see her at events once every couple years. One thing I always noticed about her was that she was constantly concerned with how everyone else was doing, even when she wasn’t the host of the event. I vividly remember the clocking ticking down to new years and while everyone else was celebrating, she was cleaning up the party.
Many years later when I was already well into my spiritual journey, I thought back on her and something occurred to me -- her kindness had been a kind of coping mechanism. Her cleaning up on new years was almost performative. It was a subtle way of saying “look how kind I am; look what a wonderful friend I’m being.”
I’m not saying you’re performative, by the way -- I’m sure you aren’t. Lol. But I bring this woman up because she’s the best example I can think of someone who learned to be kind of supportive as a sort defense mechanism or way to win approval.
Note that of all the problems you could have, this is probably the best one. To be kind is one of the highest forms of love, so the fact that you’re able to remain so kind all the time points to your being quite spiritually evolved.
But make sure you aren’t leaning on your kindness. Meaning, try and make sure you’re not trying to gain any approval or control by being kind to everyone around you. That’s often what leads to feeling exasperated when people don’t reward your kindness in a way that feels fulfilling.
I actually did a little work in this same general area at one point. I wanted to test the purity of my kindness, so to speak. So I started going out and doing nice things that nobody would ever know about. I’d put a ten dollar bill inside of a single and drop it in a tip jar somewhere; if I saw garbage on someone’s lawn I’d pick it up and throw it out. I’d leave a nice comment on a YouTube video from an anonymous account. Just little things that I felt might make someone’s day, but that I wouldn’t ever be rewarded for.
What I found was that this sort of retrained by niceness. After I got in the habit of it, I started being nice all the time just for the sake of how good it felt, and never in an attempt to get anything in return. And from there, the problems I was encountering in life started to slow down.
First of all thank you for your kind and very thoughtful answer!
I took a couple of days to reflect on it and it really helped to narrow down my 'problem'.
You were right that I do not act kindly out of a need for acknowledgement or appreciation. I once did though! But I learned the Sedona release method by Lester Levenson quite some time ago and the first thing they teach you is to release the need for approval. I still value it, but do not need it anymore.
And yes, I also totally agree with the random acts of kindness. Whenever I am inspired to donate something, pay it forward, compliment or give a little gift that I know someone will love, I will. And always anonymous if I can get away with it. It's as much for me as for the recipient, because it just feels good to do that.
So your comment inspired me to investigate further. I realised the kind of problems I am asked or even expected to help with feel very different. I am more or less 'their last straw', because they and everyone else claims they cannot handle it.
It feels like I invested a lot of time and effort in 'maturing', just so they can stay as they are.
And as I'm writing this I realise there is a lot of resentment there, so finally something to investigate further.
Thank you again for helping me reach this insight.
Forgot to add: I really try to see them in my mind as the best version of themselves, living an amazing life. But this does not seem to do much.
Beautiful, once again. :)
Thank you, my friend!
May I request you to share your views on revision as propagated by Neville. I may be wrong, but I find many parallels between your teachings and the revision 'technique'. It would be amazing to know what you think about it, and how you'd incorporate revision to 'erase' the past, so to speak. :)
Thank you so much once again, my friend. Love to you.
I think I'll make a whole post on this! But in short, yes, I think revision is great and a close relative of releasing
That would be very interesting to read. Thank you.
How relevant would you say is the practice you " loving yourself" vs "loving them"?
This may seem like a very odd answer, but I don’t think they’re all that different -- actually, I think they’re the exact same thing.
Whether love is directed inward or outward, you just experience it as love. We imagine inward and outward love to be two different things, but when you investigate it becomes hard to actually justify that as being true.
Because of this, though, I think progress on one front leads to progress on the other. The more self love you cultivate, the easier it’ll be to love others. The more you love others, the easier it’ll be to love yourself
Thank you this helps me a lot! Actually I don't think it's odd. I imagined what it feels like if I loved myself and if I loved other things like relationships etc. And this feeling of love was not different for me. I just realized that when I love something I don't have negative thoughts about myself coming up and I guess that is self love then? So one does not need to practice self love specifically but just love (for anything) in general.
lovely write up as usual. ive been guilty of the sp and third person situation before.
do you think it's possible to have a celebratory desire for an sp who is already in a relationship?
there are cases where it turns out the sp wasn't really happy in the relationship after all and was happier with the person manifesting them.
sorry this stuff can get complicated sometimes im trying to find a way to simplify my understanding
Yes, it totally is. It's for each individual to figure out is their goals are of a giving or taking quality. With SPs, a good way to think about it is to wish for the other complete happiness -- whether that be with their current partner, with me, with someone else, etc. People get freaked out by this way of thinking, but if you really love someone, you'd want them to be happy -- and if you love and want someone to be happy, and feel like a relationship with yourself is a part of that happiness unfolding for you and for them, then it's probably meant to be.
It is basically "what you appreciate, appreciates" right? If everything was perfect, the SP, the health, the money, then we would just LOVE IT. So when we create the feeling of loving something we are on the right track?
That's exactly right